I had a lovely evening with my dear friend last night. Sue has been my friend for nearly 20 years, and we always have so much fun. We sat and shared dinner and beer, and when the restaurant closed at 10, we stood outside and talked until we became too cold to continue. Otherwise, we probably would've stood for another two hours and talked. We could talk forever. Literally. We would never, never run out of conversation. It's lovely. I came home to a relatively clean house, kid in bed, and husband nearly asleep on the couch. And, even better, I only got one call while I was out-- and it was legitimate, a question about Nan's medicine. But best of all? Jay got up early this morning, got Nan dressed and fed, and took her to the Children's Museum so I could finish up the ethics class I'm taking. WOOOOO! It makes it easier for me to handle his absence through the week when I know he'll take up the slack on the weekend. The kid misses her dad. The had a good evening last night, and I'm sure they're having a lot of fun at the museum today. And, it gives me a chance to miss my kid-- something every mom needs on occasion. I finished my ethics exam, and think I passed with flying colors. I'm looking forward to starting the actual meat of my program-- the coding and the billing. Hopefully, this will motivate me to move a bit quicker through the classes, and I can accomplish my goal of completing the course of study before February.
Lately, my child has been agitating to stay at the after-care at her preschool. Apparently, her best friend J gets to stay, and it's Shangri-La and Disneyworld all rolled into one fantastic package. They get to watch MOVIES! and bring a SPECIAL! BLANKET! and sit with their BEST! FRIEND! and clearly I'm a BAD MOM for not letting her stay. Why won't I let her stay? Why don't I want her to be happy? Finally, I have relented, and I signed her up to stay after on Monday. She's beyond excited, and has already chosen the blanket she wants to take with her. Fortunately, J's name was on the list, too, so her happiness should be complete. We'll see how happy she is when it's an hour past her usual naptime and she's not home in her bed. Or rather, we'll see how happy I am when she's napless and overexcited. Stay tuned.

I took Nan to the doctor this morning. She's had some questionable-looking toenails for some time now, and I decided to ignore her suggestion that we simply just avoid touching them until they feel better. I was right-- her big toes have infected nails, and the doctor recommended that we give her an antibiotic and soak the toes in epsom salts, then head to a podiatrist(!!) to get the nails cut. As the doctor said, "I don't wanna mess with that." When she prescribed the antibiotics, I heaved a huge internal sigh. Nan HATES the taste of the antibiotics, and we haven't found a flavor that makes it more palatable. And this particular medicine is to be taken THREE TIMES A DAY for TEN DAYS. Not sure what I've done to Dr. O to make her hate me, but it must've been bad. I broke out the bubble-gum flavored bottles from the pharmacy bag, and Nan started backing away, shaking her head "NOOOO" and covering her mouth with both hands. I used my firmest voice to order her to stay still and try it, and she let half a teaspoon dribble out of her mouth as she wailed at the injustice of being forced to take such swill. I sternly ordered her to the sink, where I washed us both off and administered the remainder of the dose. Sigh. Looking forward to repeating this three times a day for ten freaking days. But, we did manage to hit the office on a day that they had H1N1 flu-mist available, so she's vaccinated. And it was painless. Thank God. I'm a little irritated that I, as a person with a suppressed immune system, cannot go the mist route for my vaccination this year, but must be stuck with the needle. No fair. I find I'm dragging my feet in finding somewhere to get myself vaccinated-- I do so hate needles, and I have never taken the flu vaccine before. But. This year's strain is particularly bad, and if I get sick, I can't take care of the kid. That's the ONLY reason I've entertained the thought of getting one. I suppose I should suck it up and call our family doctor, and try to get in one morning while Nan's at school. It sucks to be a grownup.

I have decided to attempt to participate in NaBloPoMo... we'll see if I can do it. I'm already behind, as I didn't post on the 1st, but hey! Two in a row! Go, MEEEE! I woke this morning at 7am, which is remarkable, as my daughter's eyes generally function like those pop-up timers in turkeys-- at 6am, her eyelids pop open and she's ready to party. I, however, am markedly un-ready to party at 6am. As are most humans. So, I blearily turn on the TV (thanks, 24-hour NickJr!) and roll over to snooze to the sounds of 'Ni Hao, Kai Lan'. Which can make for some kooky dreams. Anyway. This morning, she decided to give her mama a break, and I awoke when I became aware that the sun was up, and Nan wasn't. Then, I did a little happy dance in my head and went back to sleep. I love the days where we don't have to be anywhere at any particular time, and I am becoming aware that these days are numbered. Next year, she'll be at preschool four days a week, and then-- kindergarten! Where she has to be up, fed, dressed, and ready to roll EVERY DAY of the week, which means I have to be up, dressed, and relatively ready EVERY DAY of the week. Yikes. I know I've got some time before this is the new normal-- like, almost two years-- but! But! It's something I haven't had to consider since she was an infant, and I was working outside of the house. The panicky feeling it instills is interesting, and unpleasant. Apparently my own brand of control-freakiness extends to being master of when I leave the house. Time to deal with that later.
Nan is going through the most delightful dress-up phase. I've had each meal with a different creature lately-- the last two days, it's been a unicorn. Later today, it could be a princess. Or a cowgirl. Or a police officer. Is it bad that I'm considering making another visit to Target to see what's left of the clearance costumes? My sister and I loved to pretend, and dress up, and if we'd had the costume trunk Nan has? Oh, my. Our tiny minds would've exploded.
Nan is pretending to be Mommy now-- Mommy dressed as a unicorn, but Mommy all the same-- and she keeps calling me "Hons", which, in my mind, sounds like "Huns", as in Atilla the, so I have a little giggle every time she addresses me. And now it's time for Nanny Mom and her Hons (or Huns) to go grocery shopping.

Soooo. It's been awhile. School started, for Jay and for Nan, and things have not slowed down since. I didn't make my goal of finishing my classes before Jay started back-- in fact, I've only accomplished 1 3/4 of a class since the beginning of August. I need to step it up, but I find myself exhausted by the basic maintenance the family requires. I'm hoping that I can sort of re-commit myself to my goal of finishing in the next two or three months-- I need to quit making breakfast and lunch dates on Natalie's school days, and sequester myself with my book and my Ipod. There. Resolution established on a semi-public forum... perhaps that can keep me honest. Halloween engulfed most of the month of October. We're fans, apparently, of the whole dress-up thing. Natalie wore two different costumes to the various parties and outings we attended in October-- she was a Barbie Princess (very different from the run-of-the-mill princess, she will have you know) and then she decided on her old standby, the Supergirl costume, for the actual night of trick-or-treating.

The costume came with fancy booties that cover her shoes, lending the appearance of those awesome knee-high red and gold boots, but she refused to consider wearing them, even when Jay and I begged, wheedled, and pleaded with her. Three is stubborn. And Three doesn't want your stinking booties. But I love her pose-- she would stop periodically and do these hilarious contortions, usually with one arm out in front of her and her feet planted far apart, as if she were going to stop any evildoers with one hand. Silly girl. She's been wearing the Supergirl costume nearly every day for the last three or four weeks. However, last night we stopped to browse the post-Halloween clearance at Target, and found a contender to replace Supergirl in her affections-- Wonder Woman. This costume is fantastic. It comes with the dress, the crown, the MAGIC BRACELETS, and, of course, the damned booties that she'll refuse to wear even though they make the outfit look so. much. cooler. She's having a ball dressing up, and I like to indulge her in this, as it won't be long before she'll be too self-conscious to dress like a nutball in public. And, as a dear friend once reminded me, it's not as if people think I dressed her in these outlandish getups before heading to the grocery store-- they know it's allllll her, and if they've had a three-year-old, they know there wasn't much I could do about it.

The end of July is creeping closer, and that freaks me out. When July is over, it will be August. August is when Jay goes back to school, and becomes immersed in all the extracurricular stuff that he loves, and that keeps him from home. August is when I have to figure out how to keep up with my schoolwork while I handle all the childcare and most of the household duties. August means stress. I'm not ready for that to begin again. It will help when Nan goes back to school in mid-September, but I'm afraid it will be a long four weeks until then. I'm /pretty/ sure the preemptive freakout isn't the best way to stave off stress, but I can't help it. This is how my mind works in the middle of the night, when I should be asleep. Anyway. We just got back from a lovely, too-brief, vacation in scenic Cincinnati. We actually had a great time at a great resort close to King's Island. We went to KI one morning, and in truth, I think our time would've been better spent at the water park back at the hotel. Nan is at an age where the unknown creates tremendous apprehension, so the amusement park is not the best place for her. But, we had a lot of fun at the hotel. She slept beautifully in an unfamiliar place, and enjoyed spending time with my family. Oh, and according to her, the best part was the fact that she got to eat at McDonald's not once, but TWICE. Truly luxurious living. Lately, when it's time to leave the house, she says, "Ok, let's rock and roll!" I have no idea where she got that, but it makes me laugh. Since we got back, she has created a stuffed animal family that she plays with all the time. There's Lady, the dog from the Disney movie, as the mom; King, a dog purchased at King's Island by Grandpa, is the dad; Amy, the elephant, is the elder sister; Laura, a kitty, is the younger sister; and finally, there's Baby Brother, a little puppy who doesn't get a real name, "because he's just a baby, Mom". This family goes on adventures throughout the house, and you must not try to put ANY of them away prior to bedtime, or there will be great distress. She puts them to bed properly, and wakes them first thing in the morning, before she comes to find me, even. Which has been kind of nice for us-- the longer the wakeup takes, the longer Jay and I get to sleep. Excellent.

It's after midnight, and Nan will be waking around 6:30am. Why, oh why, am I still up? I have trouble getting to sleep when Jay's away-- though, I confess when I actually GET to sleep it's more comfortable-- and I find myself putting off the whole bedtime process in anticipation of lying awake for hours. So I watch crappy tv and drink cheap wine and play Bejeweled on Facebook 'til my hand turns into a claw. (85,000-- booyah.) Jay's been gone for a few days now-- he's at a bluegrass festival-- so Nan and I have been on our own. We've had a nice time. I love the fact that she's becoming good company. We had dinner at a deli, and I really enjoyed chatting with her. We talked about nonsense, as usual, but she's fun and funny. I knew I'd love my kid, but I'm so glad I like her so much. We ran a few errands, and then hit the playground until it was time to head home to get ready for bed. I stopped and got us a McFlurry to share, and as we ate it, she told me, "Mommy, you're my favorite friend!" Try not to die from the cute. Classes are progressing for the medical billing and coding program-- in fact, I knocked out the medical terminology class in just over two weeks. I will take the final on Monday or Tuesday, and be that much closer to my goal of completing before Jay goes back to school in the fall.

The sun is shining, the temperature is climbing into the 80's, the birds are singing... Spring has made things better around here. We've been healthy for a month (knocking wood feverishly), and my attitude has improved one thousand percent. Last night, we bought Natalie a new sand and water table-- it's quite nifty, with gears and slides and various other fun stuff that will hopefully entertain her for hours outdoors. Just being able to go outside and play has helped us in the last few weeks. I have also made an effort to get out on my own-- I got to see the live broadcast of 'This American Life' with friends. It was awesome, and I enjoyed the pre-show meal as much as the show. It was so nice to eat without a 3yo hanging off my arm. The girl has a new habit of "helping" me eat-- she thinks it's HYSTERICAL to hold my elbow and guide my hand to my mouth. Not such a great idea when I'm eating something like soup. She's still a major mommy girl, but she's become receptive to visiting Grandma overnight again. Hurray! I can dump the kid without the guilt. She's looking forward to visiting "Grandpa Bear"-- her new nickname for my dad. She becomes Daphne the Dog Superhero, and wrestles with Grandpa Bear. It's fun for both of them. Until my dad stops listening... then Nan has to put him in time-out. Hee.

I have pneumonia, which means I will not be able to go with my dear friend Elizabeth to see David Sedaris speak tomorrow evening. I am heartbroken on several levels. It's been months since I've done anything FUN. Literally. Months. Two. I'm tired of sick. I'm tired of, well, tired. I'm hoping April will be better than the suckhole that was March. The good news is that Nan's allergy panel came back negative-- nothing to worry about there. And she's definitely on the mend, with just the occasional cough. It's starting to warm up outside. Maybe that will usher the funk out of my house.

Yesterday morning was one of the longest mornings of my life. I had to take my baby to the hospital to have blood drawn and her chest x-rayed. The doctor believes her asthma is allergy related, and she wants to do the full allergy workup. Sounds simple in theory, but the hospital was crazy. It took us 45 minutes to register, and another 30 minutes of waiting for the chest x-ray. She was a champ, smiling for the "camera" while the technician took pics of her lungs. Then, we waited for over an hour for the dreaded blood draw. Nan played in the lobby, not understanding what awaited her. This was almost as painful as what was to come-- she got bored and antsy, and couldn't stop herself from touching the light installation that looked like a fountain. She ran from me when I called her, and raged at me when I dragged her back to our bench. The receptionist eventually took pity on me, and offered her a coloring book and crayons. This kept her busy for the last part of our wait. They finally called our name, and led us back to the "child friendly" draw site. There was a very nice phlebotomist awaiting us, and she immediately turned on the Curious George movie-- one of Nanny's favorites. Natalie wandered around the room, looking at the funny-looking benches, and chatting with the phlebotomist. Finally, the lady told us to sit on the bench-- I was instructed to sit on her right side, and hug her to me, effectively keeping her right arm trapped against her side. Nan cuddled against me, and listened as the phlebotomist explained what she was doing. She was fine until the needle actually went in her arm. There was a silence as Nan sucked in all the air in the room, and then she screamed, "OW, OW, OWWWWWWWIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And the sobbing commenced. She wiggled, and tried to slide off the bench. I rocked her and tried not to cry myself. They had to take THREE VIALS of my baby's blood-- the needle looked ENORMOUS in her tiny arm. When it was finally finished, she wept as the nurse put the bandaid on her arm, and she cried all the way down the hall. Grandpa had slipped me a ten the night before, telling me to buy her something at the giftshop after the tests were completed. Through her tears, she chose a little black and white stuffed kitty, and snuffled out to the car. Minutes after we left the hospital parking lot, she was passed out cold in the back seat, clutching her teddy and her new kitty. I'd promised McDonald's for lunch as the lady took her blood, so I swung through the drive-thru and got her a happy meal. She woke up crying, and ate her fries as she wept. She was ready for her nap after a few fries, and she slept like a rock. The doctor's office called in the afternoon, and told me that her lungs looked "streaky", indicating the croup. The doctor called in a steroid, and we're hoping the nonstop coughing will come to an end someday soon.

Nan has another double ear infection, and the doctor thinks she's hit upon the reason for Natalie's persistent cough. She thinks it's asthma. We've got to start twice-daily inhaler treatments. They gave us a nifty new inhaler-- it's got a mask that looks like a duck, and she's very impressed by that. I explained that the duck is her new friend, and she needs to give him a BIG kiss twice a day. We practiced without the medicine, and I think she's going to be okay. This is the good part. On Monday, I've got to take her for a chest x-ray and full blood workup. This is the bad part. She hasn't had blood drawn since she was born. I get teary thinking about the needle approaching my baby. Hopefully, we'll get these relatively minor issues resolved, and the coughing will stop. The doctor noted that Natalie's had five ear infections since October-- if she gets another one in the next month or so, she'll be referred to the ENT. Do tubes loom in the future? One more worry in my busy brain. At any rate, I'm hoping the inhaler will help the coughing, which will curtail the midnight visits to mommy. Nothing more disconcerting than to be groping your way back to bed after a night-time bathroom visit only to hear, "HI, MOMMY!" coming from the vicinity of your bedroom door. Scared me to death. The next night, I was a little more prepared for my nocturnal guest, and managed to head her off at the door. She was burning up, so I gave her more tylenol and sent her back to bed. Let's hope she sleeps through the night tonight-- I'm very, very tired.

The spring-like weather has ushered in a new attitude at our house. We're all a little perkier now that we can spend some time outdoors. Nan and I spent the morning at the playground, and even had a little picnic (or picpic, as Natalie calls it) there. She had a ball, running around with the herd of kids and climbing like a monkey. She was braver than she was in the fall-- she went down the crazy curly tube slides that she categorically refused to approach before. She was exhausted after our busy morning, and she took a great nap, and woke up peppy and ready to play. Jay's had a brief reprieve from his insane contest schedule, and he's been home for dinner and bath and bedtime for the last few days. Things are feeling a little more managable than they have been.

After nap today, we went to the grocery store. We had an uneventful trip, and on our way home Nan asked me to tell her about when she was little. We discussed the usual-- you couldn't talk, you had no teeth, couldn't walk, etc.-- and then she said, "Okay, Mommy, I'll tell you about YOU when YOU were little!" Apparently I flew a princess kite and laughed and laughed. And I was too small to ride a bike, and my bike is broken, and Handy Manny will fix it! We must call him!
Such a loon.

I burned the crap out of finger today. I was making myself a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch, and I became obsessed with centering the cheese perfectly on the bread. In my quest for the ideal bread/cheese ratio, I rested my knuckle on the edge of the smokin' hot pan. Not my best moment. Now I'm nursing a blister, and eating a burnt sandwich-- the blister tending made me neglect my sandwich. I feel this is sort of how I'm living these days. Things are neglected. Mostly me. Here's hoping things will settle down soon, so I don't end up like my blackened sandwich.

It's been long week. Or rather, last week was a long week, and this one isn't shaping up to be much better. I'd like to petition that we skip March next year-- it blows. On top of the usual March issues-- show choir competitions taking my husband away from home every weekend, not to mention the frequent evening practices throughout the week-- our household has been hit with the plague. Jay brought it home first-- and, of course, it was THE END OF THE WORLD. He was sick and miserable, and made the rest of us miserable with the neverending whining. Then, Natalie started looking peaked. Her eyes were runny, as was her nose, and she was coughing. My sinuses started filling, and it was all over. Nan stayed home from school on Friday so I could take her to the doctor, where we learned she had a double ear infection, and her eyes were infected, too. Antibiotics and EYE DROPS were in order. (An aside re. the eye drops... I believe the doctor who prescribes the eye drops should have to actually come to our house and put the damned things into the child's eyes herself... it's next to impossible. Like wrestling a greased chinchilla.) I finally gave in the next day and called on grandma to watch the kid while I waited forever at the medcheck so I could get antibiotics at last. Grandma kindly agreed to stay on after I got home so I could catch a quick nap. Today, my mom called telling us not to come over for her birthday dinner, as she's got the flu. Sooo... it was probably incubating when she was here on Saturday... I'm crossing my fingers that we dodge that bullet. Bottom line, I'm sick and tired of being, well, sick and tired. My patience is nearly nonexistant. I shouted at Natalie after she requested a third change of shoes this morning, trying to stave off leaving the house. I'm eagerly awaiting school on Wednesday, and I think she is, too.
We were discussing where various animals live while we drove home from the store today (as we do-- don't you?), and she told me cows and horses live in barns, pig live in "pig mud", dolphins live in the ocean, fish in the water, and zebras live in the country. Hee. That's why I keep her around.

After I talked Natalie out of the flowered bike for Grandpa, we settled on making him a robot. Not sure where she came up with that, but it was the first idea she had that was feasible, and not entirely selfishly motivated. It actually turned out rather well-- I covered a small box (think macaroni and cheese box with more depth-- it's a No-Pudge Brownie box, to be precise) (Also? Can I just quickly profess my deep and abiding love for the No-Pudge Brownies? Okay, parenthetical asides done now) with color-wonder paper, and she went to town with her markers. It's beautiful. I cut some construction paper strips and folded them accordian style for legs and arms, and we attached them with tape. Now, what my father will do with a home-made robot is his problem. I know a three-year-old who would happily take it off his hands.

Today I told Natalie that Sunday is Grandpa's birthday. After the usual questions ("What will we eat? Can I have presents?"), I asked her what she thought we should get Grandpa. She thought for a minute, and then answered decisively, "A flowered bicycle." And then she thought for a minute longer, and added, "I think I should get one, too." Silly kid.
We're stuck in a never-ending cycle of sickness. Nothing serious, just irritating. And it's hard to decide when to keep her home from school. She's snotty, she's coughing, but she's not feverish. Sigh. I lay in bed at night and listen to her hack. Poor babe. Poor mom. We're both tired, but we're both eager for her to go to school. School continues to be the best thing we've done, and I'm looking forward to sending her three mornings a week next year. She's thriving under the care of Mrs. P and Mrs. N, and she talks about her friends and the fun she has at school all week long. And, she's finally nailing down her colors and shapes. And, I get to study, grocery shop, and do other errands in peace. Lovely.

I have officially entered the fabulous world of unemployment. Yes, I haven't "worked" since the end of October, but now... I am no longer being PAID. Severance is done. I've filled out all the appropriate paperwork to receive unemployment benefits, and hopefully everything will kick in before the end of the month. I'm enjoying the classes I'm taking, and I look forward to actual employment again. Kind of. I'm also really enjoying the feeling that, for the first time, I'm on top of things. Our laundry is caught up. There are groceries in the pantry. Natalie and I get where we need to be ON TIME, and we have fun playing together. I'm not constantly looking at my watch, thinking I should get back to work. We're moving in three-year-old time. It's awesome. I'm able to enjoy my free time while she's at school-- I meet friends for breakfast, get my haircut, grocery shop without the kid. I've gotten a taste of stay-at-home momdom, and it's nice. But. I've done it with the safety net of my severance. As I look at our finances and look at our drastically reduced income, even with the unemployment, I feel anxious. We're making enough to make our regular bills, but what about emergencies? Like the leak in our slab ($1000), or car trouble? Not to mention the little luxuries to which we've become accustomed-- regular coffee stops, regular dinners out, little treats for Natalie when the mood strikes. I know that I'm working toward something better-- when I've completed my training, I'll be qualified for higher-paying jobs, and we'll be as financially comfortable as before. But I'll miss these quiet days with my girl, and the moments I get to myself. Even as I write this, I realize this is ridiculous in light of the trouble that so many families are facing-- it could be a lot worse for us. And I know a year from now, everything will be different. Hopefully, I'll look back at this and shake my head at my hand-wringing melodrama.
Speaking of melodrama, my girl has been particularly hilarious of late. She's a funny mix of so adorably funny I want to hug her, and so defiant and stubborn I want to strangle her. Three has been interesting. There have been more time-outs in the last few weeks than there were in the last six months. But, there have also been funny, interesting conversations. Jay and I have decided that she knows how far she can push it-- she senses when we're about to pick up the phone to summon the gypsies to take her away, and she flips the switch back to charming. She was jumping off the couch onto a nest of pillows yesterday, and when I cautioned her to be careful, she flapped a hand at me and said, "No worries, Mommy. No worries." My new mantra.

Hi. It's been a long time. I could blame the holidays. But in truth, I haven't had much to say. I've been kind of adrift of late-- not sure what I want to do with myself, in a lot of ways. However, of late, I have rediscovered a sense of purpose, and I feel compelled to write again. I'm studying again, learning-- truly, I think I'm in my element when I'm studying something new. It makes me happy to gain new knowledge, and to show I've got it down pat. Such a nerd. Natalie and I are in a more regular routine, which makes us both happy.
I'm taking the next six month to complete a course of study that will allow me to find a different job. Things will be a little tight, but I'm lucky to have unemployment to fall back on while I'm studying. My goal is to finish my studies before Jay starts school in the fall, so I can get settled into a new job while he's home to help with the transition.
Natalie turned three on Tuesday. We've celebrated for the last week. It's exhausting. We've had visitors, and parties, and general super-fun-party-time all day, every day, and I'm about to drop. Things will get quiet again by the end of the week-- this week is jam-packed with extracurricular activities, and I'm looking forward to boring old normalcy.
Ah, this is degenerating into disjointed rambling, so I'll stop. I'm trying to get back on the horse, so to speak. Hopefully I'll be more interesting, or at least more coherent, later.